Here is the beginning of the rest of my
life! Well, maybe not the rest of my life but a record of things that are
happening in my life on a semi-daily basis. Since I'm just starting my
life as a somewhat open member of the Transgender Community, this will show some
of the day to day thoughts, feelings, emotions, and problems. Thanks for
taking the time to stop by and read a entries. Please feel free to drop me
a line if you have a question or comment about anything you read here or
anywhere on the site.
2 Nov 2004
What made today rough was seeing how hurt Elle was while we were talking to the lawyer. She sees this as the death of this marriage, which it certainly is the end of the marriage but not the relationship. There is not any reason why we cannot go through this like civilized people that do care for each other. That is something else that makes this hard is that we do care for each other but just not in the deeper way to be married. She has said many times that she wants the best for me and I certainly want the best for her. The worst thing is that both of us want this to happen with the least pain but are not completely sure how to make that happen so we have to seek the help of a lawyer. However I think we took him for a loop because of how well we were trying to do this with as little fuss as possible.
It still does not take away from the problems facing me right now. For the past few months I have been dealing with the fact that my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer and it is terminal. It's very sad to watch him slowly fade away from the man I once knew him as. It is getting close now because he has stopped eating most of the time and is sleeping more and more each day.
I'm also looking frantically for fulltime employment that will allow me to financially support myself when I move out on my own in Jan 2005. That is very hard because there doesn't seem to be anything around in my local area that either pays enough or is in the industry I have the most experience in. This is very frustrating.
I'm trying to come to terms with who I am as an individual and a person in the Transgender Community. I'm trying out that gray area of thinking and seeing what it's like to let my feminine side show.
Add to that the fact that I'm going through this divorce with Elle and I think I have a pretty full plate. I seem to be handling things one at a time and in steps so far. I haven't felt a ton of stress about any of that except finding a new job. That seems to be the biggest thing I'm worried about. Is that weird? I feel like I should be more concerned about so many other things but it's the lack of finding a new job that has me considering what hair color I should use to cover up the new gray.
I keep trying each day, and maybe one day something will come up! See ya next time.
24 Nov 2004
During this time I have also been looking for a job I can start up when I do move down there. It started off slow but there a few bites so far and that is starting to look good, maybe?! I do have to go back down the Monday after Thanksgiving for an interview so please keep your fingers crossed.
On top of that, my dad health has been up and down since my last entry as he kept on fighting his battle with brain cancer. I have been trying to do all I can with him being in Florida, which meant going down one more time to see him and help out. This morning he finally lost the war and passed away at 8:30am. I was just starting to get to know what kind of a man he was and what was behind some of the things he did when I was younger and he was still living with us. I'm so sad knowing I will never get more opportunities to learn more about him by talking and sharing with him. However, I know he is no longer frustrated by wanting to do things with his hand but didn't have the strength, or that he wanted to type out his thoughts and ideas but couldn't see well enough anymore to do so. Now he can build all the models he wants, all the houses he wants, and write all the books he wants. Those were the things that he loved to do. He never settled to do something that was the "norm". He always looked and his crafts or hobbies as a way to tackle what he would call "A good challenge!" I will always know there are traits of him in me, and I will see them in the way I approach problems or the way I look at a piece of art. I began to love the man I never really knew as a father by becoming closer to him as a friend. I'm thankful for the moments I was able to spend with him.
21 Jan 2005
I just finished unpacking and getting things put in their new places. Getting settled in a new place is almost as difficult as getting things together to move! I am starting to get settled down now and I'm so ready to get moving in this new chapter of my life.
My mom is somewhat supportive about my desires to express Aimee, however she doesn't understand a lot of things and the only times we have spoken about the subject are these little spurts and they don't last long. I 'don't push because I don't want her to feel overwhelmed or more confused. I figure things will work out in time and the conversations will get longer and deeper.
I do feel uneasy dressing even a little bit around my mom since I had to move in with her for a bit while I get back on my feet. I feel like I'm she is going to be embarrassed or disappointed in me if she sees me dressed as Aimee. She has said she knows that I don't feel totally at ease to express myself here. So we both are working on a plan that will allow me to get a place of my own as soon as possible. Not that don't love my mom but at my age it's never at the top of your list to have to move back in with your mom.
Well hopefully I will be able to keep up with things now that everything is getting as back to "normal" as they possibly can. Keep checking back cause there will be a lot more to come.
14 Mar 2005
20 Mar 2005
7 Apr 2005
I have thought about it as constantly having to wear a suit of clothes that everyone around you is okay with and sees it as being acceptable but you hate the suit. It's not comfortable, it doesn't fit right. However, if you change into a more comfortable suit of clothes, everyone around now sees it as being unacceptable and they are not okay at all with your new suit, to the point that it causes emotions like hatred and disgust just by looking at you. It doesn't matter to them that its the same person under both suits, it is the appearance of the more comfortable suit that sets them off.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not completely unhappy. I have varying degrees of dysphoria over my gender. Sometimes my desires to be a woman are stronger than others. But I remain guarded because on any degree, it is not acceptable by everyone else.
It's funny that my only desire is to feel okay with myself. I don't wish or desire any harm to come to anyone. I'm not setting out to commit some atrocity against society like that of a terrorist. But I know that is how I would be treated if I came out to the world.
So here I am, 34, just divorced over this issue, I've lost the family I've loved for close to 15 years, I've had to move away from my son which is my heart and soul. I've now had to start life all over again but not a fresh start because all the problems and difficulties from my first attempt are still very much with me. Yet I'm still so afraid to be more comfortable with myself.
I feel tired of fighting this fight. I feel worn out and some what broken. There is a side of me that is just ready to give into accept the onslaught of disapproval that society has waiting for me. To take the punches and the verbal assaults that I know awaits me just around the corner of coming out. I have been worrying and guarded, and on alert for so long I feel numb from exhaustion. I have been protecting myself for so many years against being known but I've still lost what was most precious, so there is nothing else that could happen that would be worse in my eyes.
I love my ex-wife. I think she is a fantastic woman. A survivor of terrible odds that has helped to make her a beautiful person both inside and out. Our son is our angel baby. He is a true blessing to my life and I cannot put into words how much I love him. These were the people I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted us to grow old together. I struggled with my dysphoria early in our marriage and it led to our first separation. When I was asked to move back in, I was willing to give up ever knowing what it would be like to feel comfortable in my own skin, because my love for both of them was too great. Being with my ex-wife was more important to me than I was to myself. 7 Years later, I still ended up losing them both because of this dysphoria! I finally had to come out to her, after discussing our divorce plans, that this is who I am, a person with gender dysphoria.
Okay, as a sidebar, this term "coming out"! For some strange reason this just rubs me the wrong way. How about "being honest" cause that is what it is.
So again, that side of me is numb and ready to take the abuse of society, the whispering, and finger pointing. I just don't care anymore! But I get stopped by the other side that tells me not to give up my guard, don't let down my defenses too much. You're not totally sure this is what you want.
How can this not be what I want? I've been dealing with this since I can remember. I have tried to not think about it, I've prayed for it to go away, and cried so many times when I know it's still there. This will always be in my life, so how do I continue in this protective, defensive, and guarded state for the rest of my life?
12 Apr 2005
Now let me explain my day classification scale since I've already thrown out "limbo day". I have 4 basic classifications for my days which represent my personal frame of mind. Day classifications have absolutely no relation to the "type" of day I'm having. I could be in a limbo frame of mind but still have a great day. The classifications break like this. I have butch days, limbo days, Aimee days, and wanna-gina days. I'll describe each for you.
"Butch Days" are days when I'm not relating more with the male gender but I'm a bit more willing to associate with men, like poker night, going shopping for power tools. It could be a day when I'm going to be doing things that would seem butch for a woman to do such as wanting to go play paintball, or do some board sword fencing. Not that women can't or don't do these things, they very much can and do! These are things in my mind that seem to be a bit more butch. Also a butch day could be a day where I don't feel as driven to dress or be feminine. I still look at other women with envy, wishing I could have a figure like theirs or wishing I had those shoes. However I just don't feel like I should go all out and do the shaving, plucking, shifting and tucking.
"Limbo Days" have already been covered so I'll move on.
"Aimee Days" are days that I feel very feminine, want to be feminine, and I have a strong desire to dress accordingly. I want to look nice and feel pretty. I want to carry a bag instead of a wallet. My attitude is usually a bit more calm than other days. I find myself with more patience. I feel more envy when I see other women, wishing I could look like them while going about my daily tasks. Wishing I had their curves to fit better into my favorite dress. Since the divorce, I have allowed myself to have more Aimee days. Taking steps like growing out my hair and piercing my ears insures me that it's okay to be in that frame of mind. Its okay to want to go shoe shopping, or shopping in general. I've also worn at least one piece of women's clothing since the divorce, even if it's a pair of slouch socks or tennis shoes.
Okay, that leaves "Wanna-gina Days". Wanna-gina is short for "I want a Vagina"!!! These are days that I want so badly to be a woman. I want so badly to put on a pair of hose and not have to worry about tucking and they would fit the way they are suppose to. I want to have breasts so badly! To feel their weight on my chest and to be able to see my natural cleavage without using tape or breast forms. To feel a skirt or pair of jeans sit lower on my hips without wearing a padded panty. On my Wanna-gina Days I have cried sometimes wishing I was a woman. I will see a young girl and I would cry or a tear would form because I feel robbed of that experience. I will never know what it was like to grow up as a girl. I know it would not have been a happily ever after experience, but at least I would have been experiencing everything as a girl. Wanna-gina days are when I really am disgusted at my male appearance. I hate having a penis and I don't want to have anything to do with the make gender. I want smoother skin, no facial or chest hair. I don't want to have to trim my nose hair anymore, gross!!! I would trade my penis to have a period every month in a heartbeat. I want a feminine voice. I want to wear shorts or capri pants without worrying about a bulge. I want to know what its like to have multiple orgasms. Hell, I would settle for just 1 orgasm as a woman! I want to be able to touch myself and feel the softness of female skin. I don't have sexual desires to be with a man. Sexually I'm still very attracted to other women. On these Wanna-gina Days that attraction is more intense.
So there you have the classification day scale. Let me know if you have your own scale.
Thanks for visiting and being the
Visitor to my site!