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When I originally set this page up, Jae and I designed it to be a
source of help for significant others who are trying to understand
more about what their partners are going through. Even though
Jae and I have chosen to end our romantic relationship, it doesn't
change her feelings about wanted to help others in the community
that are just learning about their partner's gender dysphoria. That
is why I decided to leave her account of what her reaction was and
her feelings when I first told her I have gender dysphoria.
Kelly and I also share the desire to help others in the community
and their significant others so we will be working on making this
page a consistently updated source of support and understanding.
If you have any questions or would like to share your experiences
with us or just have a comment, please feel free to drop me a line.
I would love to hear form you!
source of help for significant others who are trying to understand
more about what their partners are going through. Even though
Jae and I have chosen to end our romantic relationship, it doesn't
change her feelings about wanted to help others in the community
that are just learning about their partner's gender dysphoria. That
is why I decided to leave her account of what her reaction was and
her feelings when I first told her I have gender dysphoria.
Kelly and I also share the desire to help others in the community
and their significant others so we will be working on making this
page a consistently updated source of support and understanding.
If you have any questions or would like to share your experiences
with us or just have a comment, please feel free to drop me a line.
I would love to hear form you!
Here's what Jae had to say about finding out I have gender
dysphoria.
Maybe you are very comfortable in your relationship ~ wonderful!
I hope you take the time to write and share. Maybe this is new to
you, and you are doing what I did, skip around on the Internet
and look for hints on how to navigate in a place you never
expected to be. Thanks for reading, I hope you stay and read,
and if you feel comfortable, please take the time to write, too. You
can vent, cry, question, laugh, gossip, whatever.
I don't know if you knew about the femme side of your partner at
the beginning of your relationship, or if you "discovered" her
existence later. For me, I met Aimee at the very beginning of our
relationship. As best I remember, we were talking on the phone,
and I heard:
"Before we go any farther, I need to be totally honest with you. I
have gender dysphoria."
At least, that's pretty much the way I remember the conversation.
I could have a few words out of order, but that's the gist of
things.
Me, "I'm a book-learning woman", at least that's the way Aimee
describes me. I know how to take words apart, and figure out
what they mean. Now, I've never heard of gender dysphoria, but I
can puzzle it out. As I remember it went like this:
"To be euphoric, means you are wildly pleased and happy.
Dys - that means not happy, like in dismay or disgust.
Gender Dysphoria must mean unhappy about being your gender."
"Okay"
"Well I'm not always happy either."
I figured we'd move on to a new conversation!
Ummmm, no, that was the start of a conversation that has been
going on for some time now. And it's a good conversation, with
questions and answers from both of us. Lots of questions from
me, answers from Aimee, and her homme side too.
And that's the first thing I would like to share with the SO's
(Significant Others) reading this, and with their partners. It helps
to talk. I'd even go so far as to say it's essential to talk. You talk
about everything else when you are building a relationship, don't
you? How can you ignore this? You can't!
Think about this:
* Your partner quite possibly has never shared this with anyone
else.
* If this has been shared, the reception probably wasn't favorable.
* You think your emotions are jumbled? She's very, very scared!
* If you aren't questioning your sexuality, even the teeniest
tiniest bit, you're kidding yourself. Don't ignore that.
* If you aren't questioning your partner's sexuality, there's even
more kidding going on.
* Not talking about it doesn't make it go away. Trust me. Your
partner has tried that route. It doesn't work.
* The future of your relationship depends on what you do.
Before, the responsibility was shared. The moment you found out
about ~ what do you and your partner say? Cross dressing? "His
female side"? "Her"? The "problem"? His "secret"? CD? Gender
dysphoria? Transgender? ~ Whatever you say, the moment you
find out, the rest of your relationship is in your hands. Think it
through very carefully.
So, with that said, let's you and I talk. I'm sure you have
questions. What would you like to know?
Good! First question:
1. What DO I say?
* This is my friend! Sometimes, I called her Aimee. Sometimes, I
use the name her parents gave her.
* You'd really like her. She's very sweet, actually, she's a much
nicer and kinder person than I am.
She can be very shy, and loves to get compliments about the way
she looks, just like I do. Oh? You like compliments too? Imagine!
* Sometimes I goof. We have a long distance relationship right
now, and I don't always realize when I'm talking to Aimee. It
doesn't happen often, and she's very good about how she reacts,
but I feel bad about hurting her feelings. No one wants to be
unnoticed.
* CD sounds cold to me. Transgender, while very PC and
accurate, is too much of a mouthful. I say "dresses", as in, "Aimee
looks beautiful when she dresses". Or, "I hope you can come and
see me soon, it will give you privacy to dress".
* Sometimes I say, "When you are Aimee". That might sound
odd, but it makes sense to me. Sometimes I have Aimee,
sometimes not. But, Always, I have the person I love, no matter
what the exterior shows me, the mirror, or the world.
* It never has meant so much to say "I love you". You mean
both people to me. I have been more comfortable with what
Aimee calls "The Grey Area". I know that the masculine side is
deeply attractive to me, but the feminine side, is that gentleness
what attracted me to begin with? Who smiled at me the first
time? Why am I asked, after a long, hard day at work, "Baby, tell
me how your day went"? I don't know. Not exactly. But I do
know that is the "you" I'm talking to. That, and so much more,
that duality in nature, or extra something, or freedom to share a
softer side, all of that is in "The Grey Area", and I have no problem
seeing it co-exist.
* He doesn't "become" Aimee by dressing, anymore than Aimee
becomes him by taking off her dress. He is always Aimee, and
Aimee is always there. That's the way I see it.
Question #2
What kind of questions did you ask about Aimee when you first
found out?
I had lots of questions. Let me share a few of them with you,
along with the answers:
Q) You like to dress and be pretty. Do you want to be a woman?
Will you have a sex change?
A) Aimee spent some time on her own before I met her, and there
was a time when she considered SRS (Sexual Reassignment
Surgery), or to even get a job en femme, and start her RLT (Real
Life Test). There are no plans to proceed with a sex change.
Q) Are you attracted to men?
A) There were times, as Aimee discusses, when she thought that
she should be attracted to men, and actually tried to be interested
in them. It didn't work. She is attracted to women, and has
described herself as currently " A lesbian trapped in a man's body".
Q) You've spent a lot of time observing women, and admiring
beautiful women. I'm not that special. Why are you attracted to
me?
A) Who doesn't think that at least once in ANY relationship?!
Q) Aimee is very concerned about being as feminine as she can
be. What if I'm not feminine enough?
A) Aimee has told me that she watches my gestures,
expressions, and other mannerisms. It's a very sobering thought
that someone appreciates the way you move enough to consider
copying it.
Q) We spend a lot of time talking about Aimee, and interacting
together. I'm afraid, are you "killing" my boyfriend?
A) This was a biggie. REALLY! Maybe it is for you, maybe not.
Me? I had just left a fairly rough relationship, found someone I
was interested in exploring a relationship with, and I felt like I
wasn't getting to see as much of him as I Thought I would.
Actually, there were several times when Aimee asked me who I
liked better, her or her masculine self. A question like that has no
safe answer. It's like asking if these jeans make you look fat. A
no win question! I cried more about this issue than almost any
other. And felt worst about being upset. I could understand that
I was actually Aimee's first friend, so of course she would want to
spend time with me, and I wanted to be with her. It's odd
sometimes, because Aimee almost seems jealous of her other self.
The best thing I can say about this is that we work on it, and I
have shared with Aimee how I feel.
Q) How often will you be Aimee?
A) My partner is most at ease as Aimee, so the answer is as often
as possible. And, you know, that makes sense. It may not be the
answer I wanted, or you want, but think about it for a moment.
For as long as she remembers, Aimee knew no one wanted to see
her. No one! Now, someone can see her, will talk with her, will
love her. The more I thought about it, it's exactly the way I feel
about her, about both sides of her.
From reading other websites, I learned that it is common, at the
beginning of a relationship when a Transgender individual finds
acceptance, to have them go into a "Pink Period". The freedom,
often long denied and unappreciated, to explore and reveal their
feminine side is difficult to deny. Actually, I've felt that way. Have
you ever been on a diet? I mean a serious diet, where you make
changes in your body that you and others can see. Did you
change the way you look? I have. And you know, it was scary
and thrilling to be noticed, to have my body land outfits looked
over. What was more exciting, though? To have the outside of
myself, the way I looked, match the way I saw myself all along. It
changed the way I carry myself, the clothes I wear, the way I
smile, the places I go. Why shouldn't Aimee want to feel the same
way?
That being said, I still get quiet and scared when she talks about
hormone therapy and growing her own breasts permanently.
The thought of her undergoing SRS upsets me. I do think that
would "kill" a part of herself. An essential part that I would mourn.
I enjoy being with Aimee very much, but I enjoy the partner I was
first attracted to , too. I want to spend time with him as well. If
you feel this way, make sure you both talk about it. Is it so
unusual that you want to be with the person you first met? Your
partner has you, and you are pretty much the same as when you
met.
Some relationships are very closely regulated, with scheduled
times when the femme side is "allowed". This doesn't seem right
to me. Maybe it is something you will want to do, but it is a
decision you both should make.
Many other questions were about her early life, and Aimee talks
about that in her bio.
My partner has "Aimee Days". These are days when Aimee is very
much present. There are days when she isn't so much in the
forefront, although I know she is always there, influencing the way
he acts, sees and thinks. That's OK. I feel bad, sometimes even
awkward and stupid when I don't understand it's more an Aimee
Day. How can I tell?
For me, the answer is I can tell better when I pay attention. Aimee
has a very distinctive voice and speech pattern, and can actually be
quite a flirt. The better we know each other, the more attuned I
am.
dysphoria.
Maybe you are very comfortable in your relationship ~ wonderful!
I hope you take the time to write and share. Maybe this is new to
you, and you are doing what I did, skip around on the Internet
and look for hints on how to navigate in a place you never
expected to be. Thanks for reading, I hope you stay and read,
and if you feel comfortable, please take the time to write, too. You
can vent, cry, question, laugh, gossip, whatever.
I don't know if you knew about the femme side of your partner at
the beginning of your relationship, or if you "discovered" her
existence later. For me, I met Aimee at the very beginning of our
relationship. As best I remember, we were talking on the phone,
and I heard:
"Before we go any farther, I need to be totally honest with you. I
have gender dysphoria."
At least, that's pretty much the way I remember the conversation.
I could have a few words out of order, but that's the gist of
things.
Me, "I'm a book-learning woman", at least that's the way Aimee
describes me. I know how to take words apart, and figure out
what they mean. Now, I've never heard of gender dysphoria, but I
can puzzle it out. As I remember it went like this:
"To be euphoric, means you are wildly pleased and happy.
Dys - that means not happy, like in dismay or disgust.
Gender Dysphoria must mean unhappy about being your gender."
"Okay"
"Well I'm not always happy either."
I figured we'd move on to a new conversation!
Ummmm, no, that was the start of a conversation that has been
going on for some time now. And it's a good conversation, with
questions and answers from both of us. Lots of questions from
me, answers from Aimee, and her homme side too.
And that's the first thing I would like to share with the SO's
(Significant Others) reading this, and with their partners. It helps
to talk. I'd even go so far as to say it's essential to talk. You talk
about everything else when you are building a relationship, don't
you? How can you ignore this? You can't!
Think about this:
* Your partner quite possibly has never shared this with anyone
else.
* If this has been shared, the reception probably wasn't favorable.
* You think your emotions are jumbled? She's very, very scared!
* If you aren't questioning your sexuality, even the teeniest
tiniest bit, you're kidding yourself. Don't ignore that.
* If you aren't questioning your partner's sexuality, there's even
more kidding going on.
* Not talking about it doesn't make it go away. Trust me. Your
partner has tried that route. It doesn't work.
* The future of your relationship depends on what you do.
Before, the responsibility was shared. The moment you found out
about ~ what do you and your partner say? Cross dressing? "His
female side"? "Her"? The "problem"? His "secret"? CD? Gender
dysphoria? Transgender? ~ Whatever you say, the moment you
find out, the rest of your relationship is in your hands. Think it
through very carefully.
So, with that said, let's you and I talk. I'm sure you have
questions. What would you like to know?
Good! First question:
1. What DO I say?
* This is my friend! Sometimes, I called her Aimee. Sometimes, I
use the name her parents gave her.
* You'd really like her. She's very sweet, actually, she's a much
nicer and kinder person than I am.
She can be very shy, and loves to get compliments about the way
she looks, just like I do. Oh? You like compliments too? Imagine!
* Sometimes I goof. We have a long distance relationship right
now, and I don't always realize when I'm talking to Aimee. It
doesn't happen often, and she's very good about how she reacts,
but I feel bad about hurting her feelings. No one wants to be
unnoticed.
* CD sounds cold to me. Transgender, while very PC and
accurate, is too much of a mouthful. I say "dresses", as in, "Aimee
looks beautiful when she dresses". Or, "I hope you can come and
see me soon, it will give you privacy to dress".
* Sometimes I say, "When you are Aimee". That might sound
odd, but it makes sense to me. Sometimes I have Aimee,
sometimes not. But, Always, I have the person I love, no matter
what the exterior shows me, the mirror, or the world.
* It never has meant so much to say "I love you". You mean
both people to me. I have been more comfortable with what
Aimee calls "The Grey Area". I know that the masculine side is
deeply attractive to me, but the feminine side, is that gentleness
what attracted me to begin with? Who smiled at me the first
time? Why am I asked, after a long, hard day at work, "Baby, tell
me how your day went"? I don't know. Not exactly. But I do
know that is the "you" I'm talking to. That, and so much more,
that duality in nature, or extra something, or freedom to share a
softer side, all of that is in "The Grey Area", and I have no problem
seeing it co-exist.
* He doesn't "become" Aimee by dressing, anymore than Aimee
becomes him by taking off her dress. He is always Aimee, and
Aimee is always there. That's the way I see it.
Question #2
What kind of questions did you ask about Aimee when you first
found out?
I had lots of questions. Let me share a few of them with you,
along with the answers:
Q) You like to dress and be pretty. Do you want to be a woman?
Will you have a sex change?
A) Aimee spent some time on her own before I met her, and there
was a time when she considered SRS (Sexual Reassignment
Surgery), or to even get a job en femme, and start her RLT (Real
Life Test). There are no plans to proceed with a sex change.
Q) Are you attracted to men?
A) There were times, as Aimee discusses, when she thought that
she should be attracted to men, and actually tried to be interested
in them. It didn't work. She is attracted to women, and has
described herself as currently " A lesbian trapped in a man's body".
Q) You've spent a lot of time observing women, and admiring
beautiful women. I'm not that special. Why are you attracted to
me?
A) Who doesn't think that at least once in ANY relationship?!
Q) Aimee is very concerned about being as feminine as she can
be. What if I'm not feminine enough?
A) Aimee has told me that she watches my gestures,
expressions, and other mannerisms. It's a very sobering thought
that someone appreciates the way you move enough to consider
copying it.
Q) We spend a lot of time talking about Aimee, and interacting
together. I'm afraid, are you "killing" my boyfriend?
A) This was a biggie. REALLY! Maybe it is for you, maybe not.
Me? I had just left a fairly rough relationship, found someone I
was interested in exploring a relationship with, and I felt like I
wasn't getting to see as much of him as I Thought I would.
Actually, there were several times when Aimee asked me who I
liked better, her or her masculine self. A question like that has no
safe answer. It's like asking if these jeans make you look fat. A
no win question! I cried more about this issue than almost any
other. And felt worst about being upset. I could understand that
I was actually Aimee's first friend, so of course she would want to
spend time with me, and I wanted to be with her. It's odd
sometimes, because Aimee almost seems jealous of her other self.
The best thing I can say about this is that we work on it, and I
have shared with Aimee how I feel.
Q) How often will you be Aimee?
A) My partner is most at ease as Aimee, so the answer is as often
as possible. And, you know, that makes sense. It may not be the
answer I wanted, or you want, but think about it for a moment.
For as long as she remembers, Aimee knew no one wanted to see
her. No one! Now, someone can see her, will talk with her, will
love her. The more I thought about it, it's exactly the way I feel
about her, about both sides of her.
From reading other websites, I learned that it is common, at the
beginning of a relationship when a Transgender individual finds
acceptance, to have them go into a "Pink Period". The freedom,
often long denied and unappreciated, to explore and reveal their
feminine side is difficult to deny. Actually, I've felt that way. Have
you ever been on a diet? I mean a serious diet, where you make
changes in your body that you and others can see. Did you
change the way you look? I have. And you know, it was scary
and thrilling to be noticed, to have my body land outfits looked
over. What was more exciting, though? To have the outside of
myself, the way I looked, match the way I saw myself all along. It
changed the way I carry myself, the clothes I wear, the way I
smile, the places I go. Why shouldn't Aimee want to feel the same
way?
That being said, I still get quiet and scared when she talks about
hormone therapy and growing her own breasts permanently.
The thought of her undergoing SRS upsets me. I do think that
would "kill" a part of herself. An essential part that I would mourn.
I enjoy being with Aimee very much, but I enjoy the partner I was
first attracted to , too. I want to spend time with him as well. If
you feel this way, make sure you both talk about it. Is it so
unusual that you want to be with the person you first met? Your
partner has you, and you are pretty much the same as when you
met.
Some relationships are very closely regulated, with scheduled
times when the femme side is "allowed". This doesn't seem right
to me. Maybe it is something you will want to do, but it is a
decision you both should make.
Many other questions were about her early life, and Aimee talks
about that in her bio.
My partner has "Aimee Days". These are days when Aimee is very
much present. There are days when she isn't so much in the
forefront, although I know she is always there, influencing the way
he acts, sees and thinks. That's OK. I feel bad, sometimes even
awkward and stupid when I don't understand it's more an Aimee
Day. How can I tell?
For me, the answer is I can tell better when I pay attention. Aimee
has a very distinctive voice and speech pattern, and can actually be
quite a flirt. The better we know each other, the more attuned I
am.
Significant Others