Here's the beginning of the rest of my life! Well, maybe not the rest of my life but a record of things that are happening "in" my lifeon semi-daily basis. Since I'm just starting my life as a somewhat open member of the Transgender Community, this will show some of the day thoughts, feelings, emotions, and problems. Thanks for taking the time to stop by a read my entires. Please feel free to send me an email if you have any questions or comments about anything you read here ... or anywhere on the site. |
19 July 2008 As the past few diary entries have shown, I've been looking more inward at myself. I believe this is due to some changes happening in my life. Kelly wanted to add a thought in the diary that might explain things just a bit better. Again, this entry is from Kelly. The lyrics to the song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls reminds me of Aimee; here they are: And I don't want the world to see me These lyrics express the conflict that the character in the movie "City of Angels" feels as well as (possibly) how Aimee feels at times. The fragility and vulnerability are very well expressed by the "everything's made to be broken" part especially. For me, these emotions are sometimes hard for me to not take on to myself. I have the tendency to take on other people's feelings and to make their responsibilities mine. More and more, I am aware that I can't afford to do that anymore. It's not good for me to take on so much and so Aimee and I need some more space between us. Our relationship has changed and I think both of us are working on things we need to take better care of ourselves as individuals. Aimee is making a lot of positive steps such as planning her laser hair removal for her face, getting her resumee together to get a better job and planning some outings soon in her clothes. I think it's important for both of us not to let work and family obligations get in the way of our own self-progress. I sincerely hope Aimee and I can be friends for life and have a special relationship. I am not sure in what capacity we might be together. Whether we are lovers or friends, I hope our relationship remains strong through the years. Kelly |
7 June 2008 So you may notice that I'm starting to get a theme with my diary entries recently. I guess I've become more reflective about things and I'm really wanting to unload some of the many thoughts I've collected over the years about all the issues that I've run into. I have to say though that I really appreciate you taking the time to read these entries and your patience and understanding. One of the things that I've heard when I first came out was that being transgender was a choice and that I should just choose not to be this way. Now I'm sure all of you T-girls out there have heard this or even thought this, like I did early on in my life, at some point. And therefore you know that this totally untrue. Gender dysphoria isn't something that is a person just decides to do one day. It's not like I woke up one morning and said to myself, "I'm so incredibly bored. I think I'll be gender dysphoric! That should keep me busy!" It doesn't happen like that at all. It's not a switch you can just turn off, trust me ...I've tried! I talked about this in my bio to some degree. When my ex-wife and I were separated for the first time and then she asked me back I promised never to have this as a part of my life again. At that time I was honestly meaning it because I loved her so much I was willing to sacrifice my own personal happiness to be back with her. Only now do I realize how wrong of a promise that really was. Me putting my own happiness aside like that wasn't going to help our relationship at all ... and didn't! Now even though I kept my promise and didn't act on any of my feeling for the rest of marriage, I still felt the internal struggle on a daily basis. Which again, was not a help on our relationship. Now as far as it being a choice, let's talk about what we, as Transsexual women, would really be choosing to do. To start things off, we would be choosing to possibly alienate ourselves from our family and friends that would not understand us when we come out. We'd be choosing to open ourselves up to unstable working environment by coming out ot our co-workers. That is unless you work for a really aesome company that supports their GLBT employees, and those companies are few and far between. Case and point on this "choice" is Steven, now Susan Stanton, who was the City Manager for Largo, FL. for over 14 years. After serving the community of Largo for such a period of time, and even receiving accommodations for doing such a good job, she was fired when she revealed that she was Transgendered and planning on transitions while in office. Her story was then all across the national headlines. Now granted, she's taken her fight to the courts and she has become another fighter for the Transgender Community, but why did she have to loose her job when she was doing so well? Apparently well enough to be accommodated for the job she was doing! Moving on. Another choice that we would be making is to go through all the trouble is is to try and look as feminine and female as possible. Believe it or not but it takes a lot of work to accomplish this! For those of us that have lived our lives hiding to suddenly try and present ourselves as the opposite gender takes a complete reprogramming of our bodies. I mean think about it! For years we perfect the art of hiding our true feminine sides and then in a few months we are trying to drop all of those implanted shields and protection patterns to act male and act more female. That is no simple task. Also, let's talk about the "choice" to have our facial hair removed! Electrolysis used to be the only method and that meant countless painful treatments and possible side effects like pocked skin. Not to mention something else that you may not have thought of. in order to have the full SRS (sexual reassignment surgery), you need to have the hair removed from your genitals because that skin becomes the inside of your vagina. You can't have hair growing inside your body. So this electrolysis treatment would also have to be done. Just imagine going to the treatment and having a needle inserted into each hair follicle to get rid of the hair. Again, this would be a "choice"! Now luckily, there's laser hair removal but it hasn't been proven yet to be permanent so there's still the chance to have to have the electrolysis treatment as well. We would also be making the choice to spend the amount of money it takes to complete a full transition. Thousands of dollars after everything is said and done, most of which is not covered by health insurance. This is not to mention a person who is trying to follow the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association's Standards of Care and go through the countless hours of therapy, both individually and group therapy. Starting up hormone therapy, going into living full time and doing there RLT (Real Life Test). How about FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery). To sum up all of these financially is ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching! So these would be just some of the "choices" that we would be making if we actually choose to be Transgender, Transsexual, or Gender Dysphoric. I believe I can say honestly that these are not choices that a person just decides to do one day. These aren't even on the same levels as major choices like choosing to buy a house or a car! Please know that this wasn't written on anger, although there may have been some sarcasm thrown in here or there. This was just to show the magnitude of being Transgender and it just isn't a light hearted declaration. If someone is telling you that they are Transgender or Transexual there's probably a good decade of inner conflict that has been going inside that person. Also know that if they're telling you and being open with you, it's because they probably trust you and care about you enough to be completely open and honest with you. Hopefully this helps someone as much as it did me to get it out. :) Again, thank you for your time in reading it. Until next time, take care, Aimee |
27 May 2008 I've been having some thought about my eventual transition lately. I've been told before that with me transitioning, it's like killing the male version of me. I've always found this to be difficult to understand because it's still me, I'm just changing the way I appear or show myself to the world. I recently found a quote from Joan of Arc that really made an impact on this subject for me that hopefully might matters a little better. "One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying." After recently talking to a friend of mine, I realized something that I've always known. That my entire life has been playing the part of a man and what I thought was the socially acceptable version of a man. I've never been able to live the way I want to. Whether it's been due to nerves, fear, or a situation that I feel is keeping me from living the way I want, I continue to play this part. To relate this back to me killing the male version of me and the quote, I'm only playing the part of a male, and I'm waiting for the chance to live my life the way I believe I should be living it. So you see, I'm not killing anyone! How could I kill something that isn't true? This would be like saying that Harrison Ford killed Indiana Jones, that's impossible! With the role of the male that I've been playing for all these years, I've incorporated as much of my true self as I possible can without letting it show that I'm more feminine. Those same personality traits that I show now as a male, will also be there when I present myself as a female ... and then some! Right now I'm sacrificing what/who I really am and living how I believe because of those fears and situations that keep me from doing so. As Joan said, "... it's a fate more terrible than dying." How could I be killing anyone when I haven't had a chance to actually live? One day that time will come, but until then, I continue waiting and working hard to make that time as best I can once it does occur. I hope this helps in better understanding the situation. Until next time, take care, Aimee |
26 May 2008 Happy Memorial Day everybody! I know that might sound weird on a Transsexual's diary but I also happen to be a vet myself. Yes, shocker, I was a member of the US Army for close to 5 years. Not that I did anything special or saw any real combat like our troops are today, but I did serve and I'm proud of my time in uniform. I was able to learn a lot while I was in the Army and I've always been proud to know the more heroic individuals that I was able to serve along side. I always see some older gentlemen that wear their ball caps that say they're a vet from Vietnam, Korea, WWII, or even the Persian Gulf. When I do see them I always try to go out of my way to stop them, say hi, and say thanks for their service. The women are a little harder to spot but they are also out there and I thank them every chance I get as well. I would ask that if you ever see any service member, retired, or active duty, just take a minute out of your day to stop them and say thanks. Take care, Aimee
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3 May 2008 Yes, I know it's been over a year since I've wrttien! I do feel bad about how Ive neglected the site and actually ... myself in the process! I will say that the past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me and I really need to get back to doing more for myself. That includes keeping up with this site! Since my current personal situations keep me from being able to pursue my transition, this site was created as a major release for me to and to stay connected to the Transgender Community as best I can. However, I’ve done neither of these and I can tell you that my true female heart, that I’ve tried so long and hard to hide from showing so no one knew I was really a girl in a guys body, has been suffering for this lack of action. So with that, I will be writing more and making some more changes to the site from time to time. I’m also going to do my very best to get over my fear of writing down my true feelings. I hope you check back form time to time and let me know what you think. I’ll also be posting some of the things I write here on the site on my MySpace page which I hope you take a few minutes to check out. Also, feel free drop me a line! You’ll be hearing more from me so I hope to be hearing more from you. It just seems fair … right! Take care til next time, Aimee |
| 15 Mar 2007 I've been asked a good dozen times about where am I or where have I been or what's been going on. Well I will tell you. Since February or March of 2006 Things have been a little rough. I started to fade off from working on the website about half way through 2006 due to my job. I was working a very large amount of hours at my work. A common day would start off at 3:30am, be at work by 4:30am and then not leaving work until 4pm or even 6pm sometimes. I was extremely tired, all the time, as if it wasn't already known. But all the same I will confirm any doubt, I was beat! I loved my job but I was going at it all the time. The next thing that drew me further from getting online was actually a wonderful thing and that was being able to spend most of the summer with my son. It was a great time and went by fast but trying to work the job I was and also working in time with Paul was no simple magic trick! I was really happy to spend the time with him but I was too tired to show as much as I wanted. Then the finally thing that kept me from getting online was Jae and I decided to go our separate ways towards the end of 2006. It wasn't a knockdown drag out, but after a lot of talking, crying, yelling, and more talking and crying, we knew this would be best for both of us. There had always been some tension about the possibility of me wanting to live full-time as a woman or even going for a full transition and wanting SRS. My feelings have always been more in that direction and I believe that there is a very strong possibility that I will have my SRS and live as I’ve really always felt I should, as a woman. By me living full-time as a woman and legally changing my name and possible going through SRS would mean that we would be living as a lesbian couple. Unfortunately, that’s not a lifestyle that Jae wanted or was looking for. Now don’t get this wrong! I’m not putting fault on her or anyone in the relationship. My time with Jae was a wonderful experience. She was always a caring, supporting, and loving partner. But I could not and cannot ask her to be something that she’s not. I understand her feelings because first off she never set out looking for a relationship with a Transsexual and all the baggage that comes with that person. She was always supportive in letting me express myself openly and still is. It was a very difficult time for both of us. And working on the website only made me think about her and that was a bit more than an extremely tired, emotionally torn girl could take at the time. We still love and care about each. We still talk to each other and support one another in what we each want out of life. She has now found a guy that seems to be a wonderful catch. He treats her right, pampers her, and is there for her to support her when she needs it. So in my book he sounds like a fantastic person because I know she deserves all that and more and it sounds like he could be just the guy for the job! Jae’s influence can still be found throughout the site because she does still support me in being who I really am and I know her words have been a help to a few significant others that have found their way onto my site. Helping others in the Transgender community is what this site is all about and her contributions to this site certainly help that cause. So you will still her writings around the site from time to time. Now through all this I have also found someone that has entered my life that is just a wonderful person in her own right. Her name is Kelly and from the moment we started talking I knew there was something different going on. During us getting to know one another there was a trust that I felt that I haven’t really felt with too many other people. I told her about me and my gender dysphoria the second time we met. I wanted to know if she was going to be grossed out and run or be okay with who I am. Come to find out she was okay! Little did I know but she had been struggling with feelings of being bi-sexual or a lesbian for a while so once she understood what gender dysphoria was and that I’m moving towards transitioning, she was fine with it. There has been a lot of talking about issues this brings to our relationship, our families and friends. We have actually worked out plans for a lot of those issues and we are moving in many positive directions! Kelly is an extremely educated woman. I don’t know what it is with me falling for highly educated women but I’m seeing a pattern here! She has a Master’s degree and speaks a couple of different languages, just very educated! Every minute I spend with her my heart smiles just a little bit more! She’s just a wonderful woman and I’m truly blessed to have her in my life. Since the beginning of 2007 things have continued to look up for me. I’m now working as a webmaster or webmistress, as I prefer, lol, for a good company and regular hours, I’m falling deeply in love with a fantastic woman, Jae has found someone she’s crazy about, and I’m having more time to spend doing the things I want without being tired all the time. So there you have it. I’m going to making a lot more changes to the site and adding a few things as well so make sure to come back from time to time and see what’s up. |
12 Apr 2005 |
| 7 Apr 2005 I have been putting this off for sometime now, writing down my thoughts and feelings. I have been scared, nervous, frighten, ashamed, embarrassed, and fearful of what writing these things down really meant. I have always thought to never write anything down that could be used against you. Don't write it down unless you are okay with the entire world knowing. That is what I would, and still do, think whenever I have put pen to paper. Even though it may just be a card to a friend or family member, I would always be thinking, "Everyone in the entire world is going to be able to read this. Are you sure you're not writing anything that could come back to hurt you?" This is why I have never written a lot of letters to anyone, not a lot of cards, notes, or emails. I was afraid that I would slip up and someone would be able to see something about me that I didn't want to share or something I was trying to hide with every ounce of my being. I am Transgendered!!!!! I have gender dysphoria. I don't like the gender I was born into. I'm not comfortable, I don't like what I see in the mirror, and I'm not happy with the way my body looks. I have thought about it as constantly having to wear a suit of clothes that everyone around you is okay with and sees it as being acceptable but you hate the suit. It's not comfortable, it doesn't fit right. However, if you change into a more comfortable suit of clothes, everyone around now sees it as being unacceptable and they are not okay at all with your new suit, to the point that it causes emotions like hatred and disgust just by looking at you. It doesn't matter to them that its the same person under both suits, it is the appearance of the more comfortable suit that sets them off. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not completely unhappy. I have varying degrees of dysphoria over my gender. Sometimes my desires to be a woman are stronger than others. But I remain guarded because on any degree, it is not acceptable by everyone else. It's funny that my only desire is to feel okay with myself. I don't wish or desire any harm to come to anyone. I'm not setting out to commit some atrocity against society like that of a terrorist. But I know that is how I would be treated if I came out to the world. So here I am, 34, just divorced over this issue, I've lost the family I've loved for close to 15 years, I've had to move away from my son which is my heart and soul. I've now had to start life all over again but not a fresh start because all the problems and difficulties from my first attempt are still very much with me. Yet I'm still so afraid to be more comfortable with myself. I feel tired of fighting this fight. I feel worn out and some what broken. There is a side of me that is just ready to give into accept the onslaught of disapproval that society has waiting for me. To take the punches and the verbal assaults that I know awaits me just around the corner of coming out. I have been worrying and guarded, and on alert for so long I feel numb from exhaustion. I have been protecting myself for so many years against being known but I've still lost what was most precious, so there is nothing else that could happen that would be worse in my eyes. I love my ex-wife. I think she is a fantastic woman. A survivor of terrible odds that has helped to make her a beautiful person both inside and out. Our son is our angel baby. He is a true blessing to my life and I cannot put into words how much I love him. These were the people I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I wanted us to grow old together. I struggled with my dysphoria early in our marriage and it led to our first separation. When I was asked to move back in, I was willing to give up ever knowing what it would be like to feel comfortable in my own skin, because my love for both of them was too great. Being with my ex-wife was more important to me than I was to myself. 7 Years later, I still ended up losing them both because of this dysphoria! I finally had to come out to her, after discussing our divorce plans, that this is who I am, a person with gender dysphoria. Okay, as a sidebar, this term "coming out"! For some strange reason this just rubs me the wrong way. How about "being honest" cause that is what it is. So again, that side of me is numb and ready to take the abuse of society, the whispering, and finger pointing. I just don't care anymore! But I get stopped by the other side that tells me not to give up my guard, don't let down my defenses too much. You're not totally sure this is what you want. How can this not be what I want? I've been dealing with this since I can remember. I have tried to not think about it, I've prayed for it to go away, and cried so many times when I know it's still there. This will always be in my life, so how do I continue in this protective, defensive, and guarded state for the rest of my life? |
20 Mar 2005 |
| 14 Mar 2005 Hi everybody! I know I haven't written for a while but I have not had excess to a high speed computer for a bit. I have been writing in a regular diary for that time so I will be copying them into the site as time goes on to catch up on things. There has been a good bit of stuff happening so I will make sure to leave in all the details as much as I can. Take care and please check back soon, I'll be posting more and more now that I have my connection back. |
| 21 Jan 2005 Well the new year is here and I can't believe it. I know I have not updated the site for a while but that is because I have spent the greater part of the holidays packing up my things and moving out of my house in Pennsylvania and moving back home to Virginia. It started back in early November and has not stopped until just this past week. I just finished unpacking and getting things put in their new places. Getting settled in a new place is almost as difficult as getting things together to move! I am starting to get settled down now and I'm so ready to get moving in this new chapter of my life. My mom is somewhat supportive about my desires to express Aimee, however she doesn't understand a lot of things and the only times we have spoken about the subject are these little spurts and they don't last long. I 'don't push because I don't want her to feel overwhelmed or more confused. I figure things will work out in time and the conversations will get longer and deeper. I do feel uneasy dressing even a little bit around my mom since I had to move in with her for a bit while I get back on my feet. I feel like I'm she is going to be embarrassed or disappointed in me if she sees me dressed as Aimee. She has said she knows that I don't feel totally at ease to express myself here. So we both are working on a plan that will allow me to get a place of my own as soon as possible. Not that don't love my mom but at my age it's never at the top of your list to have to move back in with your mom. Well hopefully I will be able to keep up with things now that everything is getting as back to "normal" as they possibly can. Keep checking back cause there will be a lot more to come. |
| 24 Nov 2004 I know I haven't written in the diary for a while now but things have gotten really heavy. I have been in the process of packing my things in order to move back to Virginia. That's right, I'm moving back to my home state because of our divorce. Since my last entry, Elle and I signed papers to start the process just about a week ago. In 120 days everything will be official. So, since I have not been able to find steady work here, I have to move to the only place I can go, back home. So as I said I have been trying to pack things up to get ready for the move. I have also taken a few road trips down there already to haul a few things down with each trip. During this time I have also been looking for a job I can start up when I do move down there. It started off slow but there a few bites so far and that is starting to look good, maybe?! I do have to go back down the Monday after Thanksgiving for an interview so please keep your fingers crossed. On top of that, my dad health has been up and down since my last entry as he kept on fighting his battle with brain cancer. I have been trying to do all I can with him being in Florida, which meant going down one more time to see him and help out. This morning he finally lost the war and passed away at 8:30am. I was just starting to get to know what kind of a man he was and what was behind some of the things he did when I was younger and he was still living with us. I'm so sad knowing I will never get more opportunities to learn more about him by talking and sharing with him. However, I know he is no longer frustrated by wanting to do things with his hand but didn't have the strength, or that he wanted to type out his thoughts and ideas but couldn't see well enough anymore to do so. Now he can build all the models he wants, all the houses he wants, and write all the books he wants. Those were the things that he loved to do. He never settled to do something that was the "norm". He always looked and his crafts or hobbies as a way to tackle what he would call "A good challenge!" I will always know there are traits of him in me, and I will see them in the way I approach problems or the way I look at a piece of art. I began to love the man I never really knew as a father by becoming closer to him as a friend. I'm thankful for the moments I was able to spend with him. |
2 Nov 2004
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