Aimee's Bio

Well, I guess I should start at the beginning. You might want to go
tinkle and grab a cup of your favorite beverage cause this isn't "War
and Peace" but it sure isn't "See Spot Run" either!

The Beginning

I was born in Virginia and grew up in a nice neighborhood. I started
to notice things were a little different at a pretty young age. One of
the first things I noticed was that my mom kept little girls tights in
the bottom drawer of my dresser. I don't remember wearing them
but I do remember opening the drawer and seeing them often.

I always felt, even at that young age, that my mom wanted me to
be a girl. This is something that she denies to this very day. The
tights in the drawer were only one of the reasons I felt this. She
would play that game with me when I was getting ready for a bath
or shower were she would pull my shirt over my head and leave it
hanging off my head like long hair. She would say and girl version
of my name and I would laugh. I thought it was funny and didn't
really put much thought into it at the time, I was between 3 to 6
years old maybe? I certainly don't blame my mom for the feelings I
have about my gender but they certainly made me think.

I also wore my pants at my feminine waist for the longest time
when I was a child. This could be chalked up to me being my mom's
first child, but I wasn't! My brother was 7 years older than me so
she had to have raised him different cause he didn't wear his pants
at his feminine waist. I still remember one day, my brother was
sitting in the front yard with some of his friends and I was running
around like a normal kid did. He called me over and pulled my pants
down to my masculine waist and told me, "This is where you are
suppose to wear your pants. You look like a girl when you wear
them up high like that." I took more notice.

School was quite an experience for me. I never really fit in to any
major click on either side of the popularity scale the entire time I
was in school, I mean K - 12th grade. Luckily I found I had a knack
for acting when I was in the 5 grade so if anything I had the drama
people to hang out with. There was a mix-match bunch of people!
Even while I was in my element and finding my way within the drama
club realm, I still didn't completely fit in with the sub groups within
the realm. I struggled, a lot, all through school.

4th and 5th Grade

I got a little older and I started to pay more attention to things
around me. Mainly the girls in school, what they did, how they
grouped together all the time, their whispers and giggles. This was
all happening either during the 4th or 5th grade, I'm not really sure.
I also started to noticed things about my mom. I would catch little
peeks when she was getting dressed, putting on pantyhose, skirts
or dresses. I started to wonder how it would feel to wear those
types of clothes, I was starting to identify more with the girls at
school than I was the boys and this was causing a bit of confusion
for me. I can't remember the first time I tried on my mom's
pantyhose or a skirt or whatever but I do know I started trying on
her things around the 4th or 5th grade.

It was a bout this time that I also discovered my dad's porno
magazines. I loved looking at the pictures, I will not lie about that
at all! I saw things in those magazines that pacified my curiosity
from here to the moon! I was very interested and studied the
women in the pictures. I loved how their bodies looked and I
started to identify with them more and more.

I know you are probably thinking that, "Oh he must be gay since he
was identifying with the women more.", you couldn't be more
wrong. I didn't like looking at the men in the magazines at all. I
never really found anything attractive about men at all and I still
don't.   Not that I have anything against those men that do find
other men attractive, I just never liked men. There was a time that
I did honestly give it a try, to like men or find them attractive that
is, but it never worked out. I'm getting out of the time line here so
I will bring this up later.

Now I know I have heard some experts, when they are analyzing a
person's case on one of those TV shows, say something to the
effect that a person that lives a homosexual or transgender
lifestyle, lives that way due to their up bringing. I will tell you, at
least in my case, this is not the case. I will not defend the fact that
my dad should have been a little more on the crafty side in hiding
his bathroom literature, but it didn't warp my mind into feeling the
way I did. I was already feeling different before I saw them.

Becoming more Confused

As a bit more time went on, school was getting even worst and my
family was falling apart with my parent's divorce when I was around
12 years old. I had really begun to feel out of place and I started to
wonder if I had not been born in the wrong body. I honestly
started to feel that I should have been a girl. I would dress more
often, and looking back on that now, I guess it was a way for me to
find some happiness about myself. I was starting to look at the
girls at school with an envious eye. I really started to pay attention
more to their clothes and their body language. I wanted to fit in to
their clicks and I wanted to wear some of the pretty things they
wore. Being harassed at school was just as bad as the year before.
By this time I also became a band "geek" along with my couple
years as a card carrying member of the drama club. Even though I
was first chair trumpet, I still got made fun by the way I dressed or
looked.

Taking a second to look back on things I didn't mention before, I
was in glasses at the age of 4. I also tried to find some peace in
the choir when I was back in the 5th grade since I started acting
around the same time. I was good enough to be apart of the all
city choir festival along with only one other person from my school.
I sang first soprano, and even though my voice had not matured at
that time, there still was not a lot of boys sing with the first
sopranos, and I did it with ease.

So with those types of things in my past by the time I was in 7th
grade and just joining the band, the other kids had a bit of
ammunition for their comments and jokes aimed in my direction.

I know I'm painting this horrific picture of doom and gloom that is
my life. It wasn't THAT bad! I had my moments of fun and there
were some good times mixed in with all of the other stuff. So
please don't think I'm trying to write how my life was a living hell.
Things were bad yes, but there were good times too.

During all of the chaos, I did a lot of bonding with my mom. We
were, and still are, very close. My dad was not around a lot of the
time due to his work schedule which had him out very late. Since it
was only the two of us, my mom and I were there for each other. I
unfortunately caused a bit of a space between us with my lack of
interest in my school work. My mom was a big time perfectionist
when I was growing up. She still is, for the most part, but she has
certainly learned to widen her standards quite a bit over the years.
I mention this because by this time in my life I was in the middle of
repeating the 7th grade and still not doing real well. My mom being
concerned and trying as best as she could to help me, we started
to talk about me going to a private school or catholic school. Being
Episcopal, I wasn't keen on the nun thing, and I had already heard
stories with the nuns and rulers, NO WAY! So we focused on
private schools. This was a major undertaking for my mom and it
wasn't until I was a few years out of school that I realized how
much she really did to try and make sure I had a good education
and do what was best for me. Thank you mom!

Before going to private school, I need to get back to the matter at
hand in the 7th grade. I was becoming more and more confused
about myself and my gender. The first time I went through the 7th
grade I had my first ever sex ed class. WOW! Not that I hadn't
already heard so much from the talk in the bathroom and during
gym but I became more interested in the female anatomy. Not in a
sick way but in a very impressed way and I found myself wishing
even more to be more like them.

The BIG Cover-up and trying to blend in

As I became more into my feelings about me being the wrong
gender, I called upon my acting skills to help me keep the "guy"
front. I did everything as boyish as I could. I would go along with
teasing others just to be one of the guys even though I was
cringing inside, I could not let that side of me show. I was
determined to not let anyone see what I was really feeling on the
inside. My feelings that I would rather be a girl, or that I wish I
could join in their conversations and groups.

My interaction with girls was very small due to me being extremely
shy. I was very interested in girls and did want to go out with them
but that was very difficult for a person such as myself holding such
a high position in the band geek group and once again being a card
carrying member of the drama club. I remember working up the
nerve to ask a girl to go be my girlfriend by passing her a note
during the last few minutes of reading class. She looked at me,
winked and lipped the word "YES"! I was on cloud 209! The bell
rang and I waited for her at the door. She came up to me and said,
"I want to break up." Little did I know this would be setting the
standard for my dating life! My heart broke into a thousand pieces.
I should mention here that I found myself attracted to the name
Amy very early in my life. The first girl I ever kissed (touched our
lips together) was named Amy and she moved a day after we
kissed. And yes, this girl was also named AMY! I never had a lot of
luck with girls named Amy but still loved the name. That is why I
chose the name but I spelled it different so I would not be like those
other Amys out there!

By the time I was 13, I started to get really envious over what the
girls were wearing. Pat Benatar was a real hot thing during this
time, with her leg warmers and short skirts. I really loved that look
and really wished I could join the girls at school wearing those same
types of clothes.

I really wanted to tell my mom how I was feeling but never got the
nerve up to do it. I was so scared that she would hate me not
want me around anymore. I had a tremendous amount of fear so I
kept it to myself. I also remember a few things That I did during
this time period in my life. I remember shaving my legs for the very
first time and how nice that felt. I know I had to have done this the
year before I went off to private school because I made sure to
wear sweat pants all the time around the house to cover them up.
I remember how nice it felt to wear pantyhose on shaven legs for
the first time. I was hooked! I knew this was suppose to be the
right way I was just not in the right body. I remember going out to
a restaurant with my family one day and I wore pantyhose under
my jeans. I was so scare someone was going to know what I was
up to but it just felt right. I didn't know what was going with me,
why I felt this way. I would stop dressing for a few months but the
desire would come right back. I guess I was fighting the feelings
and trying to force them out of my mind. It just wasn't going to
happen. I always felt that when the feelings came back, they were
always a little stronger than they were a few months before.
Looking back on that time, I was slowly loosing a battle to get these
desires and feelings out of my life for good. I was becoming
trapped within my own thoughts and feelings. I was starting to
constantly go over the situation in my mind, over and over again. I
was slowly building such a heavy load for me to carry all by myself.
I never said anything to anyone and never let one thing show that
would give the slightest hint that I wasn't the clean cut boy that I
was suppose to be.

Private School and growing up...a little bit

I was going into private school and it was a few hours drive from
home so I was going to board there. I really had to make sure my
feelings about my gender stayed very much out of sight and deep
within the dark private rooms within my mind. I know that sounds
very dramatic but that is how it really felt. It has been like that for
some time since then. Where I could only visit that part of me in
those deep dark rooms where no one could see me at all.

I kept having more and more of a struggle with my feelings that I
should really be a girl instead of a boy. Someone up there made a
big mistake and gave me the wrong body. I kept trying to figure
out why I was feeling this way. I like girls, I want to go out with
girls, why do I feel like I should be a girl? My self image suffered
constantly and I always felt unhappy about who I was or how I
looked.

Since I was living at school 9 months out of the year I could not
dress as at all while during that time. I remember coming home for
the summer and thinking how nice it was the year before having
shaven legs. I shaved them my first summer back home and found
out that constantly wearing sweat pants or jeans during the
summer in Virginia was a very bad idea, so that was one more thing
I felt was taken from me.

It was during that summer that the biggest thing that could have
happened to me did. I had been writing to a girl I met during the
previous summer and I had a few times to talk to her over the
phone from school. She had a friend that I got to know pretty well
and during my first summer back from private school we hit it off
really well with her friend. We went out a few times and it was
great. Her name was Karen and she was absolutely beautiful! I
didn't have a lot of time to think about my gender issues due to
allowing myself to be completely absorbed in my relationship with
Karen. She was a few years older than I was and already had her
driver's license. We would go to the coast and walk along the
beach and just go everywhere. We really seemed to click and I was
the happiest I had ever been. My feelings to dress were still there
to some extent, but I wasn't giving into them cause I didn't want to
mess up this new happiness I found with Karen. I realize I was 13
years old, I just didn't want to screw it up!

We had kissed before and we did some petting but that was as far
as it got. The summer seemed to fly by and it was getting close for
me to go back to school. She was also moving due to her dad or
mom's job taking her all the way down to Florida. There was about
2 and a half weeks left before she was moving when I got a phone
call one night from her saying she was a family friend's house
watching there dog who had just come back from the Vet and they
didn't want the dog left alone. It was around dusk and it was
raining. She asked if I could come over. I got a ride over there
from one of my mom's friends. One thing led to another and I lost
my virginity that night. I remember being so nervous and tense but
Karen was calm and helped me to relax and made sure it was a
good experience for both of us. That was a Saturday night, and I
talked to her the next day. She asked me if I had a way to come
over to her house tomorrow (Monday) early. I did and I waited for
my mom to leave for work at 7:30am. I was out of the door by
7:45am and riding my bike a good number of miles to get to her
house. I stayed there until 4:00pm that evening. We repeated
that same schedule everyday for the rest of the week. Each day
she would show me how a woman likes to be touched, where they
like to be touched and why. She was training me, I guess, to be a
good lover. They were the best lessons I ever took! I know this
sounds like a forum story but I promise you this is the honest
truth. I can tell you this much, because of Karen, I have never had
one problem being with a woman sexually.

I do remember thinking during this time how would it feel to have
her touch me like she is showing me how to touch her. I wasn't
wishing she was a man but I did have a few thoughts about her
seeing me as a girl or woman. I also remember thinking that the
desires and feelings about my gender issues were not as strong as
they use to be during this time with Karen.   I know I thought a few
times that if I were in a relationship I could beat my feelings and get
them out of my life for good. Looking back now I know I was going
with the feelings I got because I let myself and my thoughts get
totally absorbed by Karen. They weren't gone nor were they going
away, I just had something else of great importance to me to focus
on instead of whether I was suppose to be a girl or not. However I
did get it in my mind that my gender issues were just a phase I
would overcome by having someone in my life that I would focus on.

Taking a Break

Hi there everyone! I've had a lot of feedback from many of you that
have taken the time to read my bio and you have made it clear that
you wanted to read more. That is why I have finally started to add
some new additions to my bio. I guess the reason it has taken me
a while to put this stuff in writing is that this 2nd part is a bit more
painful than the 1st part for me. But I know it is important for me
to get this out and try to deal with things a bit more, so here it
goes.

After my time "in training" with Karen I realized I definitely liked to
be with women sexually, so that helped in my frustrating and
agonizing battle over the question as to whether I was gay or not.
I clearly was not gay!

Now before you start to think I have something against the gay and
lesbian community let me explain my mind set at this time in my
young life. My time with Karen happened in 1982-83 and I grew up
in the 70's when it was still a huge social taboo to be a gay man or
a lesbian woman. I was taught that being gay was something very
wrong and not acceptable. So for me, a child, from the ages of 9
thru 13, not only was I dealing with the situation of me being a
cross dressing adolescent, as if that wasn't taboo enough, but I
was also dealing with the possibility that I could be gay as well! I
was happy to have a little bit of those worries removed from my
mind.

The High School Years

I continued to go to a private school but I had to move to a school
a bit farther away from home. I was now in the middle of the state
of Virginia some 175 miles away from home. This was bit more
difficult to explore my feminine side, and because I was surrounded
by my fellow classmates, which were all boys, I really kicked in my
skills at being the everyday natural guy that could hang with the
guys without a soul knowing that inside I was feeling more and
more like a girl. I would have to say that I perfected the art of
being a male during this time in my life. I shut my feminine side so
deep in a "closet" it would not see the light of day unless I wanted it
to. And then that was only limited to times where I was back home,
by myself, and I only allowed a little bit of my female self to appear.
These were very guarded times for me.

I went on to have a number of different relationships that never
really went anywhere. Each one broke my heart a little because for
some reason or another I never was the one to break up with
someone. I was always the one that got sat down to have the talk
with or the one that got the "Dear John" letter. After Karen, I
always dated older women so maybe that may have been the
reason why they broke up with me, I don't know. Each relationship
was something for me to focus on so I wouldn't have thoughts of
dressing creeping back into my head. It worked for a bit but those
thoughts did indeed find their way back to the front most part of
my thoughts.

I decided to ask my mom to allow me to go to public school for my
senior year. I thought this would give me a chance to get use to
college life since I would no longer be in a private school
environment once I started college. I got use to the same chatty
gossip, the being part of the "geek squad" and being one of those
that just didn't fit in, all over again. I was a little bit better
equipped this time around though. I was still one of the school
nerds, but this time, because of my private school experiences, I
was now the head nerd. I was able to skim the surface of the cool
clicks because I could make everyone laugh. Comedy had become
my weapon of choice and I had become a seasoned surgeon at
wielding that weapon. If I could make one of the cool people in
school laugh, that got me to be invited to the party. I don't know if
you ever saw the movie "Sixteen Candles" but the one kid in that
movie that asked her for her panties and then showed them off in
the boys restroom to secure his place as the king nerd, That was
me. I could tell a joke or recite a comedian I heard word for word
and with their voice and inflections so well I was a sure in.

Acting had always been a passion of mine but in high school it
became something I knew I was suppose to do. I was good at it, I
became the "go to" person for improv games. I did work with the
local public theater as well as the school plays. I worked harder on
my impersonation and character voice skills. I sank myself into
everything involving acting and the theater so I didn't have time to
worry about my dressing. It was still there like the Sword of
Damocles, hanging over my head waiting for it to fall at any second,
but I tried my best to ignore it.

During the time between plays or working at the theaters, I did
have a harder time while attending classes. Girls were
EVERYWHERE!!!!!! They dressed nicer than they did in middle
school, they wore hose more often now, their breasts had
developed more so they dressed in clothes that accented their
busts more. Their hair was done nicer, make-up done better. I
was constantly surrounded by girls that looked how I wanted to
look. I remember everyday seeing a girl with envious eyes wishing I
could dress like that and come to school or go to the movies.
During this down time between plays and theater work I could feel
my depression pile up higher and higher as the days go on. This
became the over shadowing emotion during this entire time.

I am a Woman

It was during my time as a High School Junior and Senior,
especially, that I realized that I was suppose to be a woman. I
remember seeing a show on TV one time that talked about men
that had surgery to become a woman. I thought that was for me!
I started to look for information about SRS and hormone
treatments as much as I could without letting someone know what I
was looking for. I started to think more and more how it would be
to live my life as a woman. What would it feel like to get up in the
morning as a woman, dress as a woman, and do everyday things as
a woman with wondering if someone is going to see me as a guy
dressed as a woman. What would feel like to do all those normal
things being an anatomically correct female. To wear a pair of
pantyhose without having to tuck. To wear a bra without having to
wonder if the padding is too high on my chest or if they look even
and level. To know what it would feel like to have the lace of a bra
touch my bare breast. I would wonder how great it would be to
start taking hormones and that I could actually have my own
breasts. That I could have surgery that would allow me to be rid of
this thing between my legs that causes so much frustration for me.
The thought that I could in fact, really become a female through
surgery was fantastic! This became my eventually goal in life. It
was during this almost 4 year time that I developed this train of
thought on my own. I would still keep it very much to myself, but it
was something building within me.

Coming into My Own

Even though I had come to the realization that I'm suppose to be a
woman and I wanted to be a woman, it did not make my life any
easier. I still felt scared and nervous about the process. What
would my family think, how would I function in the world with no
one to be there for me, I'd be kicked out of my house and told to
never come back. These thoughts kept me from saying a word. I
did purchase my first pair of shoes while I was a senior in high
school along with my very first pair of pantyhose which were all
mine. I had just gotten my drivers license and I took my mom's car
to a mall that a bit of a ways away without her knowing about it. I
bought a pair of black patent pumps from Naturalizer and I was so
happy with the purchase I had to try them on once I got back in the
car. My God did they feel heavenly! I loved them and they were all
mine. I was soooo nervous going in to buy the shoes I left without
getting my change, I didn't care in the least! I was just happy to
finally have something of my own.

I later on found the courage to do it again when I purchased my
first pair of hose. I saw a Danskin hosiery shop in the same mall
where I bought the shoes. I feel in love with them the moment I
put them on. Very soft but good support. I started my very on
stash bag were I keep all of my stuff. I hid it deep under my bed
back in the corner under so much stuff, no one would dare to try
and move it all to see the bag much less what was in it.

After high school, I started to go to a local community college for
my liberal arts degree. This was better than high school because I
could take classes that interested me for a change. I was still
wishing everyday that I would find a way for me to start to become
a woman. How would I do it, what would I do, how would everyone
react...awful...so I did nothing every time! I did call a local hospital
about information on SRS and how is it done. I talked to the
woman on the phone with such a dry mouth but she was sweet and
told me about going through a process first before you could get
the surgery down but she would send me some information about
the entire process. I gave her my address, I'll never know how I
found the nerves to give her my real address but I did, and I came
in the mail a few days later. Luckily for me the mail came before my
mom got home so I was able to get it before she did. I remember
thinking that if she did get it first it would be my way of bringing it
up and get things out on the table. I made sure that didn't happen!

The package had information on groups to go through the process
with and it also had a group of hand drawn pictures showing the
steps of the SRS operation. I could not believe my eyes. They
would skin my penis, remove it and my testicals, then cut out a 6
inch section of my intestine and insert it to make my vagina. Holy
Cow!!!! OK maybe I don't want to have the surgery yet but I'll
work on the process leading up to SRS like hormones and stuff
first...when the time was right...and the time was not right at all
then!

Fighting the Reality

During my 2nd year at community college I meet a girl that knocked
my socks off, Elle. She was this beautiful red head that sat next to
me in one of my classes. I was so nervous being so close to her
because I wanted to ask her out but could never find the ability to
do so. She was amazing and very intelligent. I was in love with
every ounce of my being. I got into a car accident which took me
out of the class for a bit. When I returned the teacher suggested I
find someone that I could catch up on what I missed with so I
would not fall behind, Elle quickly offered to help me which was
great! I met her at her place and we went over my missed material.
This happened a few times and each time I wanted to ask her out
but just couldn't do it. After something like 6 months I finally
asked her if she would care to go out for dinner sometime. She
said yes and that is where it began. It took me some time after
that to even ask her for a kiss.

Continuing to Fight Reality

By this time in my life I was operating within depression and didn't
even know it. I wasn't paying attention to my depression because I
choose not to acknowledge it. Looking in hide sight, I was looking
for anything and everything that was the farthest away from the
pain and conflict I was experiencing, or not experiencing, inside
myself. I didn't want to think or acknowledge that there was
something different about me.

At this time in my life I'm 20 years old. Here is my fight, which I
have been fighting for what now seems like all my life, in a nut shell.
By the time I meet Elle I wanted to be a woman, couldn't stand
who I was or that I was a member of the male gender, thought this
was all still just a phase and that I would snap out of it (I know I
was reaching but I was a desperately trying to grasp at anything
that would relate to me being "normal"), and now I was falling head
over heels in love with Elle and all the emotions and feelings that go
with a relationship. There you have it in a nut shell!

See when I met Elle I had already figured I was going to be a
woman one way or another. I knew about SRS and just needed to
come up with the courage to go for it. I want to be a woman so
badly I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror some days.
This struggle alone I had already been dealing with for a good 3 or
4 years by the time I turned 20. At the same time, the divorce of
my parents didn't help in my feelings toward the male gender. I
began to feel that every male was an unintelligent pig. This also
came from all the bathroom talk I heard about the girls the guys
"claimed" they "conquered". From all the times I tried to date a girl
that just ended a bad relationship where the guy was a jerk so she
didn't want to date anyone right now. From all the times I saw I
guy treating a girl badly. They all added up to me loathing the fact
that I was lumped in with such individuals. I wanted to separate
myself form that as much as possible. Along with all that, I still
thought that this would be a phase I would get over when the right
thing happened in my life. If I just had something I could devote all
of my energy and time to I would not have time to worry about
dressing. However, that worked against me with Elle! I loved Elle
so much, she was clearly the best thing that ever happened to me
in my entire life. I began to think that this was the thing that would
rid me of these feelings of dressing for good. This was the end of
that phase!

True Love

I would do anything for Elle. She was all I thought of when I woke
up and she was the last thing I thought of before I went to sleep. I
didn't enter into the relationship with Elle just so I could get over
dressing. I entered that relationship because of true love. As
immature as I still was during that time, my sole ambition was to
make her happy. I wanted to give everything she ever wanted or
deserved. That strong feeling of love that rushed over my body
every time I talked to her, saw her, or even thought of her was
what got me to thinking that this would be the end of my dressing.
That was a heavy task to place on anyone or anything, especially
something as precious as true love.

Even though I thought this would rid me of all those feelings, I
didn't purge my little stash of a few pair of shoes, a wig, and some
lingerie, when we moved in together. Something inside didn't want
to let go but I was too blind to see that and once again, I didn't
want to acknowledge it was still there.

In the Beginning...

I proposed to Elle and she excepted during the summer of 1991. I
was working at a radio station in Virginia as a on-air talent or DJ
during that time. I was coming up on being there for 2 1/2 years
when a larger company bought the station and they cleared out all
the part time help and interns. That meant me since I was still
listed as a part time employee. I started to get panicked when I
was having trouble finding a new job. Here I was, engaged and no
job. I knew I needed or wanted to provided for my soon to be wife.
We were watching TV and commercial came on for the U.S.Army. I
said to her, "I could do that." and she responded "Yeah." and that
was it. That next day I went to the recruiters office and began to
see about joining the Army.

The Truth is Never Hidden for Long

During this time, Elle found my stash! I played it off by telling her
that since I had been doing some acting before we met, I was in a
play that cast me in a role like Tootsie and that these were some
things from wardrobe I kept as mementos. Quick thinking for
coming up with it right there on the spot but it was all I could think
of. She excepted my fable with a raised eyebrow and seemed to
not worry about it.

I could feel those feelings and desires coming back to dress. They
came in burst is the best way I could describe it. When I first felt
them come back, they would show up for about a week or two and
then be gone for a good handful of months. As time progressed,
the time the feelings would stay gone became shorter and shorter.
And the time they would show up, became longer and longer.

This Man's Army

Well, I went to boot camp and got myself stationed in Germany
where I spent the 5 years I had in service. While I was still in
training for my job skill, I found out I was going to be stationed in
Germany so if I wanted to stay with Elle we needed to get married
so she could come with me. We got married right there on base
and only had a week to plan it all out. I did all the coordination from
my end. I got a organist, sword bearers, my dress blues, the
priest, the chapel, everything I could do from my end, it was done.
Elle got her dress (which was beautiful), flowers, a cake, we were a
well oiled machine. We ended up doing everything for less than
$5000 would you believe.

Once we were got ourselves settled in Germany, I found myself
surrounded by men that were all part of that same old ways of
thinking just of themselves and not of others. Don't get me
wrong, I didn't do anything special while I was in the Army but I'm
very proud of my time in service to my country. I have always been
patriotic so I was glad I served. The Sergeants that were in charge
of my platoon and the section I worked didn't care about anyone
else around them or what problems their screw-ups caused for
other people. Being the low man on the totem pole, I caught all the
crap work. We would go out to the filed for training exercises and I
would end up having to not only put up my tent where I and 3
other people would sleep, but I also had to put up the Sergeants
tent by myself. I'm not crying about doing what had to be done
but when you are busting your ass trying to put up a tent for
people that are just looking at you as they talk and laugh, drinking
coffee and smoking without offering to help at all, that is a problem!
This certainly went towards my "Why men are pigs" column and
why I could not stand being a man.

I will end my rant about the military with this. I think it takes a
certain type of person to join the military, no matter what branch
they go into. They deserve a lot of respect and usually don't
receive it unless there are times of trouble or conflict. I have a
great deal of respect and pride in each person that is serving or has
served in any branch of the military, as a member of law
enforcement, a fire fighter, or as an EMT / EMS. I personally would
like to say thank you so much for all you sacrifice everyday.

Trying to Cope

Once I started getting into the routine of things in Germany, the
feelings of wanting to dress and to be a woman kept coming back
stronger and stronger each time they would show up. It got to be
that the strong feelings would be there for a couple of months, go
away for a month, and come back stronger than the last time. I
went out and bought a few pair of pantyhose and tights which a
wore under my uniform some days. My depression just got deeper
and deeper. It felt like the walls of an already small room were
closing in around me at a frightful pace and I didn't know what to
do sometimes.

I started to hint around to Elle about my old stash she had found
and since purged for me since I was already over in Germany. The
conversation wasn't all that bad and gave me a bit of a feeling of
"Could this be okay to talk to her about or is she going to run away
from me for good." I shaved my legs once and Elle's reactions were
less than favorable. She did try to except by interacting with me
dressed a few times but little did I know it was tearing her up inside.

The Beginning of the End

Elle never wanted to have anything to do with my feminine side and
certainly did not want to be in a relationship with a man that wanted
to be a woman. It went against every moral she ever had or was
brought up to have. I didn't realize it at the time but I was sealing
a fate on the relationship and was beginning to kill that true love by
wanting to continue expressing my feminine side with her. Elle
began to doubt the marriage and if she really loved me at all.

There were other things that helped in the slow destruction of the
marriage that were brought on by my depression and me trying to
control it by making it go away by buying worthless crap and
running up credit card bills. I wouldn't tell Elle about those
purchases and hide the bills from her. I hated what I was doing and
what I was becoming but I didn't know how to stop. I was lying to
her, deceiving her by not telling her from the start that I wanted to
really be a woman. I was out of control as far as my spending was
concerned and that also put a huge strain on our finances. That
didn't help because Elle wanted to have at least a little financial
security and I was ripping that to pieces as well. Plan and simple, I
was mentally running from myself and my life and I didn't even
know where I was going.

One of the Best Day of My Life

We didn't have a marital blow out there. These feelings were
hidden under smiling faces and ignoring the problems by not talking
about them. We had a baby while we were in Germany and that
was the best day of my life. I gave him, (Paul), his first bath,
changed his first diaper, and never slept a wink for 3 straight days.
Elle was absolutely fabulous as a new mom. She glowed with pride
and happiness.

Sliding Into the Deep End

Even though we didn't have blow out while we were in Germany, I
now realize, both our relationship and I were sliding deeper into a
very dark pit that was going to hurt both of us. It was around
October when I started to fill out my paperwork to finish my time in
the Army and was preparing to move back to the States. I wanted
to take advantage of the Halloween season buy dressing up some
how. I knew it was going to be a difficult thing for Elle but I was
feeling defiant and wanting to do something for myself. I most
certainly felt guilt, a lot of guilt but I felt like I need to do
something. Our friends invited us to a castle Halloween party and I
could dress up a court jester. I shaved my legs and my mustache,
put on tights, a little eyeliner, some face make up for a the jester
look, and off we went. No one looked at me weird or pointed but I
was driving Elle away with every step I took. I could see it in her
eyes, the way she talked to me, the distance I was creating between
us, and the way she would pull away slightly when I tried to get
close to her. This wasn't just happening at the Halloween party,
but everyday that went by. Even though I knew all this was going
on, I for some reason felt a need to continue this way or in this
direction.

I remember thinking so many times, what the hell am I doing? Is
this who I'm suppose to be? Where am I going with all this? In my
life? I want so badly to be normal and happy with my wife but no
matter what I'm doing I can't quite put things together that way. I
felt like such a failure to her, to us, to my son, in my life, about who
I was. Things were just really starting to suck so damn bad. The
confusion that was going on in my mind was and is beyond what I
can put into words. Every day was the same thing all day long. I
was fighting within myself because I wanted to be a regular guy
without all this gender stuff going through my mind but at the
same time I wanted to be a woman so badly. I became numb from
the pain I was feeling both inside myself and about the pain that
was helping to destroy my relationship.

Things didn't get better between Elle and I. They just grew worse
everyday. We didn't talk about anything that was going on around
us, we just sort of tried to ignore that it was happening. Elle never
really like to talk about what was bothering her so that helped to
speed up our decent into that dark pit. I figured that she was okay
with things since she wasn't talking about it or getting upset on the
outside, so I wasn't going to say anything. Even though I knew
she was not happy with it I pretended to feel that it was not that
bad because she never really said anything about it.

Coming Back to America

We came back to the States and it took a bit to settle in. We
stayed a bit with my mom in Virginia but then moved up to live a bit
with her family in Pennsylvania before trying to find a place of our
own. This also did not help our relationship because it was clear to
everyone around us that we were not happy and there was trouble
between us. Elle and I didn't react to this obvious trouble the way
that everyone around thought we should, so that must have taken
that as some sort of a sign to them that it was alright to tell us
how we should be handling our relationship. They meant well and
were concerned about us but their "help" did nothing but cause
more friction. Being intimate with each other was happening less
and less and the frustration level grew at a rapid pace.

I found a low paying job and started to buy a stash of clothes
again. My desire to become a woman became so powerful that I
would pray everyday for God to turn me into a woman over night or
take me from this earth. Every time I looked at a woman that was
even remotely attractive I still found myself looking at them with
envious eyes. Even when I looked at Elle, I thought she was so
beautiful, sexy, and I wanted to be with her so badly but I also
wanted to be like her anatomically. I wished I could be like her
physically as much as I could.

The Truth shall Set You Free

I remember one time having a bit of tension and trying so hard to
explain myself without really explaining myself, ya know what I
mean? I finally had enough and I couldn't take it any more, I told
her, in a frustrated tone, "You don't get it. I want what you have.
I want a body like yours, to be a female." Wow, I think that was
the same time she told me to get out for the very first time. We
were still living with her parents at that time and I thought I was
going to die. I literally felt the air leave from my lungs and my eyes
widen.

Things calmed down some and we finally got our own place not far
from her parents. To add to the misery of it all, I was nursing a
money spending problem with great success by this time. I was
ringing up credit card bills on women's clothes or just junk that I
would hide until it was found and I would reply, "Oh I've had that
for a while now." This was a real awful attempt to comfort myself
while I was in this deep depression. I would go buy little presents
to make myself feel better. This was yet another stupid choice that
drove Elle and I farther apart. I would also lie about the money
situation and that was also heaped onto the "destroying the
relationship" wagon.

I'm Movin' Out

Unlike the Billy Joel song, my movin' out experience was not as
rebellious. Elle had finally had enough. Ready to explode herself
and the many years of keeping everything inside had come to a
boiling point. She asked me to move out and I did. I had hit rock
bottom. I thought my life was worth absolutely nothing at this
point. I found a little apartment a good ways away from her house.
This made it hard for me to see her and my son but I soon made a
routine of going over her house and just being there watching TV
until she went to bed. I did this for 2 years. I wanted so badly to
win her heart back. I knew it was not going to be easy but I was
hanging on to that dream hoping it might happen.

The other spin on this was that I was free to dress as much as I
wanted within the walls of my own place. This was great to a point
because I still knew in the back of my mind that if I were to get back
with Elle I would have to give this part of me up for good. I choice I
was willing to make at the time, anything to have her back in my life.

I'm Coming Out...Sort of

When Elle asked me to leave, I knew I was going to have to tell my
mom what was going on. I knew that the subject that I wanted to
be a woman would come up if she were to call the house and talk to
Elle. If she was going to find out, it was going to be from me and
not someone else. I picked up the phone and called her to tell her
what was going on with Elle and I. I beat around the bush for a
little bit but finally came out and told her that I wanted to be a
woman. I have gender dysphoria. There was a little pause on the
phone but she came back and said she loves me no matter what,
I'm still her child. This was a bit of calm but I have to tell you I was
so ripped up from the build up to tell her I thought I was going to
pass out. I mean when the words finally came out, my breathing
became short and shallow, I go t tunnel vision real quick and my
head was ringing and my senses went totally numb. I was so light
headed I could hardly understand what she was saying after the
long pause. I know my mom didn't and probably still doesn't
understand what it all meant or what had been going on with me all
those years but it meant a lot to me to know she was not going to
disown me or something like that.

Starting a Little Home

I wanted to be a better person for myself because I could not keep
living this way. I also hoped that if I became a better person, Elle
might want to get back with me. I started to go to a gender
therapist, I joined a debtors anonymous group, and I started
working with a credit counseling service. I learned a large amount
about myself, I did a lot of cleaning up my act. I found out that I
have a very "Black and White" way of thinking about things. It was
either all or nothing with me. I cleaned up my financial situation,
and stopped using credit cards. Now that I had nothing to hide
anymore to Elle, I stopped lying about things.

I was dressing more often while I was at home and becoming more
in tune with me. I knew I still had a lot of work to do but I was
feeling better about who I was as a person. I was still having a
problem with thinking in more of a "gray area" but I was willing to
try and I kept working on it.

Stepping Out for the Very First Time

My gender therapist suggested I look into a local transgender group
and maybe go out to a meeting. It took me a while to gain the
courage to call the group but I finally did. I had to meet (not
dressed) with one of the board members to see how serious I was
about joining. I was told I was too fat , and that I should look into
purchasing body shaping garments like padded hips and but from
Classic Curves International. When I told them I already had
purchased those items, I was more or less invited to their next
meeting.

I was so nervous but I was so looking forward to going. It would
be my first time out. I was very excited. So much so that I called
my mom and told her that was going to go. I even asked her what
she thought I should wear. It was a very Mother / daughter type of
feel to it, I liked that. I wanted to do something big for the event
so I found a salon that would do a leg waxing for me. I went as
early as I could that Saturday morning and spent all day there. The
waxing was great and I found it to be a great way to enjoy smooth
legs for longer than 1 day. I was there so long that I closed the
salon. I have hairy legs unfortunately.   I went home, got dressed
in my favorite dress, did my make-up, put on my wig, and stopped
at the door. I took a few seconds to collect myself. There I was,
there was no turning back now. I took a deep breath and opened
the door. I made it out that night and had a great time. I felt
wonderful! I called my mom right after I got home and I told all
about it. She asked if I like it or if I would do it again and I certainly
said "Yes" but I never did. That was my only time I went out during
the 2 1/2 years I was living by myself.

I had a conflict at the time that fell into that whole "gray area" of
thinking. I had always thought that there was nothing wrong with
me if my end goal was to become a complete woman through SRS
surgery. This was my "black & white" way of thinking. For my
entire life, up to this point in time, I always thought that there was
something wrong with me if I just dressed, and the people who did
just dress or fell into the category of Transvestite or Cross Dresser
were ill and something was wrong with them. I know that was a
completely wrong way to think. I guess I was using that twisted
logic to justify my feelings and my desire to be a woman because I
was having a problem with any part of this being socially acceptable.
When I went to the meeting I met a group of nice people.
Everyone was friendly but I was caught off guard by the fact that
these were all men that enjoyed dressing and that is it. They didn't
want to be women, they just loved to dress. I was having a really
hard time with that.

My Personal Standards

Here is something I guess I should have explained a while ago. I
set a standard for myself when I started to know that I wanted to
be a woman. I set it in my head that if I was to be a woman and I
was going to dress as a woman, I need to make sure I was
passable in public. I wanted to make sure that I looked the
complete part. I didn't not want to stand out in a crowd. If I was
going to go through with the SRS or even start hormone therapy, I
wanted to be your average woman that blended into the crowd. I
always had the though that if I stood with a group of GG's you
would not be able to pick me out of the group. It was all or
nothing, that "black & white" way of thinking. If I dressed and
couldn't look like an average woman, I would not dress at all. My
desires would die with me a total secret.

I wanted to know for sure if I could do that, which was why I went
to Glamour Shots and had my picture taken while I was living on my
own. If I could look passable, I would continue to dress and work
towards my SRS. I got favorable responses from those pictures so
I continued.

See, I set a higher standard for myself than I did for everyone
around me. It was okay that other girls didn't look completely
passable, ( to a degree), but it was totally out of the question for
me. I wasn't allowed to enjoy dressing if I wasn't going to go all
the way with the transition. Now I said to a degree because I also,
for a time, thought that a person should not dress if they were not
going to be completely passable. I was young and very shallow and
did not understand at the time that dressing was the expression of
ones inner "true" self. Whether or not they were going for the
entire transition or not was up to that individual. Please understand
that this is not the way I feel today. I hope you can see a little
better the confusion and frustration I was feeling on a everyday
basis.

My therapist started to help me understand that I was being way
too restrictive on myself and I needed to try and open the way I
think to b more than the extremes of "black & white" or all or
nothing. I was not completely ready for this way of thinking just
yet because there was that hope that Elle may take me back and I
would have to give all of this up for sure if that was going to work.

A 2nd Chance

After a couple of years went by of me living by myself, I had become
okay with the thought that I may never get back with Elle. This
meant that Transitioning may be the way I was going to go if I
could just muster up the courage to start the process. I was well
equipped to start that path because I had now collected quite a
closet full of clothes, and was starting to become more comfortable
with the idea of going out again sometime.

My lease came up on my apartment and I was going to upgrade to a
bigger apartment as I was preparing to sign a new lease. I went to
tell Elle about my move and that it would mean I would not be able
to take our son for that weekend as I would need the time to move
my stuff. She looked at me and said don't sign the lease, move
back in. I about hit the floor! I could not believe what I was
hearing! I did ask her if that was what she really wanted because I
wanted to make sure it was the right thing to do. Even though I
was jumping out of my skin on the inside. She said "Yes." so I
moved back in during the summer 1998.

A New Beginning

After I got things moved back in and cleaned up the house as to
not cause too much of a fuss by bringing in all my stuff. Now the
heart breaking part of this was Aimee was to be no more. I had to
say goodbye to everything that had to do with my desires and
feeling about being a woman. Those days and feelings had to
disappear for good. I took my entire closet, my drawers, my
cubbies of all my girly stuff and gave it to good will. That was very
hard! Extremely hard! I packed up 6 giant trash bags and left
them for good at the drop off point. 2 years worth of bargain
shopping, size finding, and shoe collecting all gone.

I wanted to be with Elle so much that I was willing to throw all of
that away. I was ready though, to be the man I wanted to be for
her when we first met. I was better in tune with myself as an
individual and was ready to make this work. I knew I had to work
hard to earn her trust back. To try and earn her respect back. To
win her love back. I walked on eggshells most of the time because I
could tell something just wasn't right no matter what I did or didn't
do. I figured it was because we were getting used to each other
again and this would take some time. So I didn't think much of it
and knew we would work on it.

Intimacy was something that took a good while to happen. It finally
did but it was not that often. This was okay because we are
starting over. It will take some time. I would tell her everyday, "I
love you" and I would get a response of, "I know" or "Thanks". I
knew this was going to take some time as well. I really needed to
earn her trust back first before I could earn back her love. So we
have some things to work on, I'm a better person and I'm now
better equipped to help work on these things together.

Making Adjustments

I wanted to be with Elle so bad I was willing to do anything, as I had
mentioned now a few times. As more time went by, I started to see
that I had to make a few more changes as a person to better suit
what I thought her needs were. Speed bumps would occur and Elle
didn't want to talk about them so I asked over and over, "What's
wrong?", "What's the matter?" If I asked too much I would finally
get it out that there is something on her mind but she is not ready
to talk about it. So it would get put on the back burner and
sometimes forgotten about so I didn't pressure her anymore about
it. Sometimes I would just upset her because I started to seem
paranoid by asking her those questions all the time.

During all this I had always had thoughts of dressing again but I
never acted on them. I told Elle when I moved back in that part of
me was over and done with. I stuck true to that and not once did I
buy anything or try to dress at all.

I still had not heard from her the words, "I love you" even after a
few years went by. I thought I was doing everything I could to
please her. I knew I wanted to so damn badly I could burst but it
started to feel like anything I did just wasn't cutting it. I felt I had
to be more thoughtful, more responsible than I was, less emotional.
During one argumentative discussion, I remember thinking or
getting the feeling that I was suppose to know what she wanted in
advance so she wouldn't have to tell me.

Intimacy was still not that often. Being a very physical person and
someone who likes intimacy and closeness this was really getting to
me. I would break sometimes and almost beg for sex. Then I felt
awful because I began to feel that she was only being intimate with
me to appease me and shut me up for a while. I later found out
that was not too far from the truth. It made me feel awful like I
was forcing her to have sex with me and that would then make me
a rapist of sorts. Now I have to tell you I feel a extreme hatred
towards sex offenders and rapist. I have seen the effects of what
one of these people can have on one of their victims and it makes
my skin crawl.

When I started to feel that Elle was having sex with me to get me
off her back or to give me something to satisfy me for a bit so she
could get some peace for a bit, I felt just like one of those people. I
was feeling like I was one of those people I hated the most. I was
sinking back into a depression to some level. Sex, of course,
became something that happened less and less. It was not worth it
to me if I was going to feel that way about it and I certainly did not
want Elle doing something she was not wanting to do. So that was
another adjustment. Being a physical person who liked to display
their love for another in an intimate way, was now suppose to stop
that all together.

It seemed like Every change I was making, I was compromising that
much more of myself. How much was going to be enough? Can I
live with the amount of changes I'm suppose to make for good? Is
this making a difference for Elle?

A Coming to Terms

My thoughts about dressing became stronger as time went on and I
thought I should go back to therapy to make sure I didn't sink too
far down like I was before. I learned a lot more about myself during
that time and thought a bunch more about who I really am and
what makes me happy. What I want to do for myself. I became
more interested in that "gray area" of thinking. I became a little less
focused on the idea of going through a full transition and started to
focus on getting to know me and what it was like to feel free to
express myself the way I felt was right. As I went through the
therapy I realized that feeling more comfortable in the opposite
genders clothes does not make me a bad person. It does not make
me a freak of nature. It is who I am! It has been with me for all of
my life and I deserve to be true to myself. What I once thought
was that little phase that I would get over for the right cause, was
the cause I should have been fighting for all those years ago.

Looking at Reality

This same pattern continued for a few more years. Finally it came
down to the fact that we were just two different people, too
different to live together and be married. We had been around and
around the same old issues and have gotten nowhere. I think both
of us got to the point that we couldn't stand the hurt anymore.
Neither of us wanted to see the other in pain but that was all there
was. Neither one of us wanted to hurt the other. She was not
being true to herself and who she was and I was certainly not being
true to who I am. We didn't and don't hate each other we just are
not able to be a compatible married couple.

We finally started to talk about the big "D-word" and realizing that
was what needed to happen for both of us. I always wanted her to
be happy and I always said I would do anything to make her happy.
Well I had to understand that in order for her to be happy I had to
let her go. She was not happy being with me and I would be a fool
to think that she ever would. After 15 years there was too much
hurt, too much frustration, way too much pain and that was
enough.

A Real New Beginning

That brings to today. Here we are in October 2004. We have not
filed yet and are still working out the details of how we are going to
handle this ordeal with the least amount of pain possible. We both
want this to happen in a peaceful way and for it not to be a knock
down drag out fight to the finish. We have our son to think about
and even though we have not be able to show him the most loving
example of a marriage, we still want him to know that we do care
about him and each other. I do love Elle very much and I always will
for the rest of my life. She is an incredible woman! I have always
thought that ever since the day I met her. She is the mother of my
son which is an extremely high position in itself. After all is said and
done I know I have been blessed to have her as a major part of my
life. If it had not been for her I don't think I would have done some
of the better changes I needed to make for myself. She has told
me she does love me and that is why she does not want to cause
me any more pain while going through all this. She also told me
that she does care about me and she wants me to be happy as
well. That also means me being happy being who I truly am.

Both of us were trying so hard to be something different than who
we really are that it was driving us apart more than it was bringing
us together. This is a new beginning, of sorts for all of us,
including our son. Elle and I have talked more since we have agreed
that divorce is what is really best for our relationship. Without the
pressure of trying to fill that unobtainable role for each other, I
think we are going to make much better friends than husband and
wife. We have been able to approach situations and problems a bit
better as a team than what we use to.

Accidental Meeting

Within the last year I met an incredible woman, Jae. She has been a
light of hope and support for me when I thought things were going
to stay dark forever. I met her strictly by accident but we just
seemed to hit it off really well. We have become so close over the
last year and it has become a great relationship and an ever
growing friendship. She truly is a special person in my life. I was
honest with her from the very beginning about me wanting to be
Aimee. She was a bit taken back at first but she has always been
very accepting. It is something different for her but she has stated
many times that she wants to help me explore this side of myself
and will be there to support me through it. She has become my
loving friend, and my partner.

The Road Ahead

I now work on becoming comfortable in my own skin. That takes
some getting use to. I'm trying to find a way down the
employment path that will give me more satisfaction about my work
and allow more of my creative side to show itself.   I know you
might find this hard to believe but I have been working on the idea
of writing some of my thoughts, stories, and ideas and see where
that will lead me.

To kinda pick up where this leaves off, check out My Diary Page and
see all the latest news in my little world. Thanks so much for taking
the time to read through all this. I honestly can't believe that I
have written so much! This is suppose to be my bio but to look at
it, it looks like I should be 150 years old! Thanks again for your
time. I hope this in someway has shown you that there are other
people out there that have gone through similar situations in their
lives. You are not the only one out there.

Thanks again for your time.

Hugs,

Aimee

Aimee's Bio